Bye Bye Baby

We dropped off our youngest daughter at the airport tonight to fly by herself on a red eye flight to study in Mexico for a month.


I don't know why my daughters are so independent! I have told them all the horror stories of young women traveling alone and yet they plan these trips to foreign countries by themselves and expect me to be happy for them. They usually have a pretty good plan once they get there that includes host homes or other people but I hate putting them on that plane alone.


They are of age now and save up their money for these adventures plus work for their tuition so I ask God to go with them and watch out for all the things that we parents know could happen esp to a young woman traveling alone. My mother worried about me at that age but at least I traveled with other people.

I have decided they have inherited their grandmother's genetics, both of which had more confidence than good sense at times. I know it isn't my genetics because I like to travel with people I know...I am terrified of being alone in this world. I also think it is just plain unwise for anyone to travel alone unless it is really necessary.

If all goes as planned I will get a call sometime tomorrow from her. This is her year to travel so if you want to live with a host family in Mexico and study Spanish and later this year travel and study in Scotland, Ireland, and England go to her new travel blog on my links; http://www.atimetotravel.blogspot.com/

The last glowing ember

I had to let go this last week of my childhood home. My Mom stayed in our family home almost until the very end of her life and refused to size down or get rid of anything into her 87th year of life.

She used to say to me, " It will be you kids' problem when I'm gone" and laugh.

Well it is our problem but I don't think she could have imagined how much pain and grief it has added to her death this April.

Instead of grieving the letting go of my childhood home and things like her biscuit mixing pan and cake plate, and other sentimental pieces over a period of time, I have had to let go of my mother, go through her entire house, storage shed, and barn all in one week. Now just weeks later the house itself is ready to go up for sale.

The feelings I am left with are breathless, ripping, pain. Like the intense pain of giving birth in 20 minutes instead of 20 hours. I try to not feel it during the day, count my blessings, etc...but in the middle of the night I wake up, my defenses down, the pain of loss overwhelms me. I feel helpless because there is no "rational" reason to any other course of action, yet I long for someone to understand and help me grieve this...but there is no one really.

Just when you think you have gone through the worst of it, you realize that you have to let go of yet another thing with no time to grieve its loss. Never again can I "go home". Someone else will live there, change the colors, remodel, or even neglect this beautiful home my Dad built and no one else ever lived in. I am now the stranger to that home and that town in central Oregon

Yes, I have my own home now, but letting go of these things takes time, time I was not given.

I used to call my Mom and talk about these difficult cases that come along in one's adult life but I can't do that either.

I had other subjects to blog about but I realized this is what consumes me now. To write about those other subjects right now would not give the necessary weight to what I am going through.

In all this probably the most disconcerting part is that most people in my circle of friends don't seem to have an understanding of this, so I am alone in this new pain...like a phantom moving about among the living with deep wounds that no one seems to be able to see or hear of.

So, the glowing ember of my childhood grows weak and I stand helplessly on the sidelines and watch as it grows weaker by days instead of fading over the years. There is no arm around my shoulders holding up knees that threaten to buckle in grief somedays. Husband Rod tries to help but really can't get into my head and heart on this one.

Can I get beyond this? Yes, I know others have...but somehow I feel that part of me is dying and I will carry that dead little girl with me to my grave... no one will know or care about her but me. I will miss her, I will not be the same person without her.